Dear British Board of Film Classification,
Congratulations on your wise decision to ban The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence) from release or distribution in the United Kingdom. Please consider these further suggestions to protect the moral and aesthetic sensibilities of the British moviegoing public.
1. Please ban all Shrek movies, spinoffs, merchandise and promotional materials. Please take extra care to prevent the UK staging of Shrek: The Musical. Think of the children.
2. Please ban any adaptation of a Phillip K. Dick story or novel by people who have never read a Phillip K. Dick story or novel. Also, please ban any movies by people who have never read a book.
3. Please ban all movies in which Clint Eastwood plays a Christ figure and/or a bitter, racist old man.
4. Please ban any movie in which a serial killer teaches life lessons or moral principles to his victims.
5. Please ban any movie in which the protagonist is secretly schizophrenic, dreaming or embroiled in a “cutting edge psychological roleplay” which will all be explained in the final ten minutes.
6. Please ban any zombie movies, in which the zombies are capable of running quickly. This is just wrong and promotes anti-scientific beliefs.
7. Please ban Terrence Malick’s Tree of Life until he cuts or reshoots the silly beach scene at the end of the film. Also, please take out the CGI dinosaurs and the third brother.
8. Please ban uplifting movies about the Holocaust.
9. Please ban all rotoscope animation children’s movies– especially those by Robert Zemeckis– until the “uncanny valley” problem is solved. These movies are giving me nightmares and I suspect I am not alone.
10. Please ban any movie in which Owen Wilson or Kenneth Branagh plays “the Woody Allen character.” Also, please ban any movie in which a curmudgeonly senior citizen gets a “new lease on life” after falling in love with an attractive and shallow young woman.
11. Please ban for US distribution any British movie described by American critics as “enchanting.”
12. Please ban the release of any Judd Apatow “bromance” which does not feature explicit depictions of loving and mutually satisfying gay sex between Seth Rogen, Paul Rudd and Jason Segel.
13. Please ban any movie in which a magical African American character dispenses advice to the white protagonists and then dies or sacrifices himself to move the plot forward.
14. Please ban any film adaptation of a Tucker Max script. And please pass legislation to chemically castrate all parties involved in the production and distribution of I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell.
15. Please ban The Hangover 3 and please put Bradley Cooper on a no-fly list.
16. Please ban the release of the movie version of the TV show 24 unless it ends with hero Jack Bauer facing a war crimes trial in the Hague.
17. Please ban Zack Snyder.