Kids today have it rough. Sure they have Facebook and iPhones and the world at their fingertips. But I don’t remember the youth counterculture of the 80s being quite so conformist, or downright obedient to arbitrary rules. What next, piss tests at the gate? (Yeah, yeah. I’m getting old.) I can still remember a time when rules like these wouldn’t fly.

Here is a list of items that you can not bring into the festival.

• Bottled Water or reusable water containers. (Buy our overpriced water. Fuck the environment.)

• Blankets (You think this is a state park or something?)

• Professional Cameras with detachable lens (Just because.)

• Weapons (Duh.)

• Pens or Markers (What do you wanna do, smart guy? Write something?)

• Outside food (Wait in line for a Korean taco or a $5 grilled cheese with the rest of the hipsters.)

• Drugs or Drug Paraphernalia (Because Sleep’s reunion will be so much better without weed.)

• Open Cigarette Packs (must be CLOSED) (To keep their freshness.)

• No studs, safety pins or mohawks. (Because 7 Seconds specifically requested NO MOHAWKS in their rider.)

• Blankets (We really mean it.)

• Backpacks (You might try to hide a blanket in there.)

• Please no purses larger then (sic) 12 inches x 12 inches. (Just the right size for buying overpriced vinyl records, but too small for a blanket.)

THERE ARE NO IN’S (sic) AND OUTS (Naturally.)

BTW: Sunscreen is allowed. We don’t want you to get burnt. (By the sun, that is.)